Grief (assisted by Covid-19)

How is Covid-19 affecting people’s grief?

I have been thinking about grief over the past 2 months and how Covid-19 has made things worse. My cousin in Ireland recently died and also my children’s nanny. Their deaths touched me, but not with the intensity that their immediate family would be experiencing. As I watched their respective funerals online, so grateful for technology, it made me reflect on how people are coping with death and grief pandemic style. We are all experiencing a ‘living grief at present,’ a loss of control, and the uncertainty about what lies ahead. To then add to that the experience of the death of a loved one compounds this more. Julia Samuel the well-respected bereavement therapist and spokesman calls this “Grief with the volume turned up”

When my parents died some 25 years ago, it was hard, but I had the massive support of my husband, my sister and my brothers all of whom I could see and talk to. My sister’s best friend kept us well fed with home-made curries. Together we worked as a team to handle the situation of losing two parents in two months. I remember how dazed and numb I felt on the day of my father’s funeral.

It’s the most isolating experience to have someone you love die, but in this current time of restriction and isolation it must be agony, intolerable. Being unable to support loved ones in their final days, or say goodbye properly, or not be able to have a funeral with all the friends and relations that you would like, must be the loneliest place and so physically exhausting.

How are people managing grief?

More than 100,000 people have lost their lives to Covid-19 in this country. Research suggests that the impact of a single death may impact as many as 8 people. The figures are even higher for suicides. From Covid-19 alone 800,000 people are bereaved. But Covid-19 is not the only cause of death, so the total bereaved figure is substantially higher. For 2019 for instance, it was 500,000.

CRUSE – the largest bereavement charity, are finding that their volume of calls is up 50% year on year. The length of calls pre COVID was averaging 20 minutes, this has now risen to 40 minutes a call. They don’t expect this to dip anytime soon.

“We’re seeing lots more people come back to us who’ve experienced a bereavement perhaps years ago, but the full force of that, all the thoughts and feelings, have come back, partly because of the loneliness they’re now experiencing”

Andy Langford, Cruse Clinical Director

What can we do to support people who are grieving?

As humans there is a need for connection. We are wired to connect. There is plenty of research to support how important this is for our health and wellbeing.

“Across many studies of mammals, from the smallest rodents all the way to us humans, the data suggests that we are profoundly shaped by our social environment and that we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.” Matthew Lieberman

Death is the ultimate loss of connection with someone you love. The bereavement expert Julia Samuel asked many of her clients what has been the most important factor that has helped them towards recovery, and their reply is resounding “friends and families.”

Connect with people who are grieving, use whatever means you can. Call them, send them a note, a text a card. Very often people feel awkward when someone dies and don’t know what to say, fearing that they will say the wrong thing, but honestly you can’t make it worse, a simple “I am sorry” acknowledges the death and says you are there.

Resources

Julia Samuel’s book Grief Works
www.juliasamuel.co.uk
www.cruse.org.uk
www.nationalbreavementpartnership.org
www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk
www.childbereavement.org.uk